Read the Fine Print

Before we got married, I unequivocally told Kyle a couple of things. It’s the fine print on our marriage contract. First of all, when I drive the car and he gets in after me, he is more than welcome to move the seat back himself. I am not obligated to move it back just because he might get in after me unless he wants to move it forward when he gets out. After four years of being forced to bow to the will of the giants in my family who complained that I’m too short and have the seat too far forward, I just wanted him to know how things were going to roll with us.

Next, he is the go-to man to slay all creepy crawlies in my house. The way I see it, I have a deal with bugs. If they are outside, I am happy to let them live their gross little creepy lives as God intended them to. I don’t kill them on sight or principle. But the second they cross the threshold into my haven, all bets are off. They will be slain and probably end their lives ignominiously in the toilet. The slayer of these creepy crawlies will most likely be Kyle. I only slay bugs with flyswatters, vacuums, or if I am the only one home and there is nobody to save me. I don’t like bugs, and I made that very clear up front.

Another thing I made oh-so-clear is that I am not a lifter of heavy objects. Some people lift heavy objects, be they boxes, couches, filing cabinets, or what have you. I am not one of those people. In particular, I am not a women who needs to lift heavy objects to feel good about herself. I feel good about myself because I am inherently fabulous; somebody else can go lift heavy objects, thank you very much. That is not my role in life.

We also agreed on more mundane things like, I would cook and he would do the dishes, that the garden was my hobby and not his so I would do it, and that we would both shoulder the burden of cleaning the house. Something that has been retroactively added is that as often as possible he goes and changes the laundry in our creepy bug-filled basement and I will fold it. I try to avoid going down there when possible because of the previously mentioned creep factor.

People always say that it’s important to talk about things like finances, future plans, kids, and such things when you get married. While I do not wish to diminish the importance of these things, I also do not wish to diminish the importance of things like me not slaying bugs or having to push the seat back in the car very far. Because seriously, what’s more important in life?


2 thoughts on “Read the Fine Print

  1. I love this post so much. I mean, I can kill or relocate bugs, but the heavy objects paragraph made me laugh so hard. For instance, I used to weightlift with Will at UREC. His sister-in-law used to do fitness competitions but she is currently very pregnant, with a baby due in Nov., I think, or perhaps Oct. Anyway, this is a very funny post. :D

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