If I’m honest with myself, ever since this whole pregnancy thing has happened I’ve been quite bad about updating my blog with the type of regularity I would like. This is in great measure because I go to bed when I start feeling really crappy, and that often happens before I’ve posted. This is also because there have been many days when I’ve looked at the blank screen on my blog and tried desperately to have something to write about other than how sick and unhappy I have been.
I’m going to take a break on my don’t-whine-too-much-on-your-blog rule and whine for a few moments.
I’ve really struggled with being sick. I’ve struggled with being sick and going to work, I’ve struggled with being sick and going to school, being sick and cooking, being sick and doing pretty much anything not related to sitting on my bed or couch reading Harry Potter. But after finishing the fourth book, I’ve banned myself from Harry Potter until finals are done. So everything for the past week and a half has been kind of challenging for me.
I have a hard time with physical ailments. It’s not something that I’ve had much experience with, and I have a generally hard time with it. I’ve known many people who were sicker during early pregnancy, and I’ve known many other people who have been sicker with other health-related issues for longer periods of time than I have. I’m not claiming to be the sickest person ever in the whole wide world, but it has been a uniquely trying experience for me. I’ve never been this sick for this long before. It makes me roll around on my floor when I’m alone moaning about wanting to feel better. I’ve never thrown up this much, and despite dealing with chronic depression and tiredness problems since High School, I’ve never been this exhausted.
I have depression. I deal with the whole mental illness thing all the time. It’s challenging, but it’s something that I can and do deal with. I can handle emotional problems, I can handle strife, I can handle conflict, I can balance busy schedules, I can be assertive in scary situations. There are so many things that I can do, but I have such a hard time with physical problems. It’s the real reason I don’t carry heavy objects. It’s the real reason I don’t like pain. It’s something that I’m afraid of, and dealing with physical problems on a daily basis has really been a trial for me.
To top it all off, this has been the hardest semester of my college career. I’m taking the hardest classes I’ve ever taken, and had to finish them off while being so sick that I have to leave class to vomit in the bathroom. Kyle’s been incredibly busy between his job, school, and the AdLab. There have been so many nights where I am home alone because he’s being responsible and hard working. It’s been incredibly lonely. I’ve tried calling people, but I appear to have the worst timing in the universe as not too many people pick up. It doesn’t help that it tends to be late-ish at night, and I don’t want to call my friends in time zones ahead of me. You know, because they have real lives and all that jazz.
Writing is cathartic for me. I’m also keeping this blog as a personal history, so I want these things written down. Everything is not terrible, I do have many things to be thankful for. Momma, who talks to me two or three times a day so that I’m not too lonely. Friends and family who have brought meals on weekends. Amy, who comes over when I call looking for company. Kyle, who holds my hair when I vomit. Having lunch with Wesley. Matthew, who has called me a number of times in the past couple of weeks. A number of people who have picked things up at the grocery store for me. But sometimes life is hard, sometimes we face challenges that seem harder than so many of the others we have had to face before. Even though being sick is hard and scary for me, it is a challenge that I will be able to rise to. I can experience and overcome, even when things seem too hard to handle.