All A Facade

When I take care of my body and only eat really bland foods, when I take my medicine regularly, I begin to feel like a regular human being. I am able to attend classes and do my homework without too much pain.

And then I begin to think, “Maybe I’m getting better. Maybe The Sick is passing like everybody promised it would (at twelve, no sixteen weeks).” So I take fewer doses of Zofran a day, and maybe I eat a little meat, or indulge in spicy food.

And then I realize that it’s all a carefully constructed facade of medication hiding symptoms and my body not hating me for eating food it can’t tolerate.

So I retreat into my really-bland-food, regularly medicating schedule, until I’m lured into another state of false security and wander out of my experience-based regimen.

I also become marginally more bitter every time it happens. But that’s another story.

I’m resigning myself to the fact that I may well be sick throughout this entire pregnancy. I threw up yesterday after a couple weeks of reprieve due to diligence with my diet and anti-nausea medicine. Vomiting made me remember why I eat the food I eat, and how little I enjoy being sick.

I’m exhausted from being sick, from my stomach hurting. I’m disappointed because people kept promising that I would feel better, but I really don’t. I’m worried that taking medicine will hurt my baby. I have some better days than others, but the tenor is still illness.

I just want to hold my baby. To feel like it was worth it to be pregnant. To feel better.

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2 thoughts on “All A Facade

  1. man oh man. both times i was pregnant i was on zofran and so deathly ill. i really felt like the zofran did nothing for me. i’m so sorry you haven’t felt any relief! i felt bitter too since some of my friends never got sick during pregnancy and others were sick only in that first trimester. one time a friend said to me (a friend who had never experienced morning sickness that lasts all day and all night), “you really don’t seem excited that you’re pregnant” it made me so mad! but then it made me laugh. i felt the same as you – i wanted to have the baby to know the sickness was worth it! but that didn’t mean i “enjoyed” being sick! hang in there and good luck – i will keep you in my prayers.

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