“Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”
Writing can be cathartic for me. When I wrote my post last night, I asked Kyle if he thought I should post it. I didn’t want to whine too much. Kyle told me that my feelings were real. There was nothing offensive in my post, but if I wanted to keep those feelings private, that was alright as well.
I have clinical depression, and the past couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with the fact that my extended pregnancy sickness has been triggering it. I’ve been looking for solutions, for peace during this time of trial. While normally I am a proponent of medicating for mental illness, I don’t want to take anything while I’m pregnant. Mostly, I’ve been trying to keep good company, occupy my mind (wallowing and personal woe-is-me parties always make me feel worse), walk a little more, and increase in faith and spirituality.
Today after eating breakfast, my stomach hurt and my body ached all over, so I stayed home from church. When I woke up from my nap, I listened to this talk by Neil A. Anderson about having children. The way he talked about having children reminded me of why Kyle and I decided to have a baby now.
I’m a believer that life is always a little hard. Sometimes it’s more hard than others, but there’s usually something going on that’s not as perfect as you’d like it to be. Because of this, I kind of feel like there’s no “perfect” time to have children. There’s no way to predict when life is going to fall apart. So why not have kids now?
I also have really deep feelings about motherhood. They’re hard to express in words. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I imagine that being a mother will sometimes be like being pregnant–harder than I ever thought, unfair, and frustrating. But I also love families. I love the family that I grew up in, and I love my little family with Kyle. I love the idea that we will be able to live together and teach and nurture our children to (hopefully) become good people who can contribute to the world around them.
I believe that God has called me to be a mother. It’s not a unique calling, billions of other women have experienced it, but to me it is sacred. It is personal. It is part of my relationship with my husband and God that I felt should not be put off.
So why am I sick? I don’t know. I don’t really feel a need to know. It is hard. It is long. It is frustrating. But when I read the scripture I quoted at the top, I am reminded that God’s wisdom is not my own, but greater than mine. Having clinical depression in high school wasn’t fun. But I learned things about compassion, love, empathy and forgiveness that I never want to forget and will never regret having learned. We have to go through trials and tribulation in our lives in order to grow, to become the people God would have us be. If I can bear my trials the best I can, with faith in Christ to strengthen my ability to bear them, then I can truly grow and become better.
Will last night be the last time I despair over being sick? Over how hard being pregnant has been? Probably not. But I have something to hold onto, someone whose strength will never waver and who will never let me down to bear me up when my life is hard. All is not lost, but with faith all can be well.