Bittersweet

With how challenging these last two semesters have proven for me, I thought I’d be skipping to graduation, ready to take a break from it all. Ready to move on with my life, start some new adventures and leave college happily in the background. But as I’m a week away from walking across the stage, I’m finding it’s a lot more bittersweet than I had imagined.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m pleased and proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’m pretty sure I’d be very downtrodden if I actually had to stay another year. Yet I’m sad about all the classes I can’t really take anymore. The more the unknown presses on me, the more I find myself want to turn to the comfort of the familiar–college–that has been my company these past four years. In Arizona I’m organizing projects for myself to keep busy and sane for four months unemployed, one and a half of which will also include being very pregnant.

But when we return to Provo? I’m probably going to need to keep working so that we have enough money. And it’ll really need to be me working from home because child care is so expensive that we effectively can’t afford to have me work (ironic, no? But it’s ok because really I don’t want to have a job to “go to” at this point.) We’ve got some ideas for what I’ll do, but freelancing is an big unknown for me, and it makes me nervous to think about it. And there’s no real way to know what having a baby is like until you actually have one.

But on the other hand, new adventures are good. I believe that it’s important to challenge yourself, to try new things sometimes, especially when the opportunity arises. And the opportunity is arising for me. So I can stand back in fear, trying to run back to what is familiar, or I can move forward and try something new.

So here’s to graduation being scarier than I had thought it would be, but hopefully all the opportunities I had hoped for, too.

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