The Ability to be Responsible

Ruby slept for seven hours last night, woke up, ate, and slept for three more. It astonishes me how much the amount of sleep she gets can affect how I feel. I’ve never been one of those “push through with no sleep” people. When I went to college, I vowed that I would manage my time well enough that I would never have to pull an all nighter. This generally worked, and when my time management was less than stellar, I chose to leave minor assignments undone so that I could sleep instead.

A large part of this is that my depression is closely tied to how much sleep I get. Being sleep deprived makes me depressed, which in turn makes me unable to accomplish anything even when I’m awake. Not accomplishing tasks makes me feel like a failure, and these anxieties fuel my depression, which continues the cycle. Generally the tasks unaccomplished are house-cleaning tasks. The state of my house is generally a good measure of how at peace I feel and/or how much sleep I’ve gotten recently.

I was really concerned about this with having a baby. I knew about the sleep deprivation thing, and I knew how I dealt with sleep deprivation. It hasn’t been nearly as bad as I was afraid it would be. How good I feel definitely cycles with how well Ruby sleeps, but particularly since we got back from Arizona (a month ago; where did the time go?) I have been focusing on taking care of myself. This has helped me tremendously. I believe that when I am taking care of myself, I can better care for my family and my other responsibilities.

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