Don’t Yeet the Baby

Sherman was carrying Rey (the cat), announced that she was his baby, and immediately began considering the virtues of yeeting his baby. I told him “Don’t yeet your baby!!”

(“Yeet”, for the Olds, is the young people’s slang originating in the AAVE dialect, for throwing something, especially something worthless like trash; if you’re interested in the origins of the popularity of this term may I refer you to this vine, language warning).

This of course, reminded Kyle and I of the infamous “Don’t Shake Your Baby” videos they show impressionable and exhausted parents at the hospital before you take your egg brain real life human baby home. They’re hoping by traumatizing parents they can avoid traumatizing babies; one of the few instances of replacement trauma I find acceptable.

“Despite how you may feel at 3am after 72 hours of straight sleep deprivation, do not, under any circumstances, yeet your baby.”

“Even if your baby has been screaming for two hours straight, do not yeet her. Set her down, and take a calming walk around your apartment to the unavoidable soundtrack of human agony.”

“Even when you smell like spoiled milk, time is meaningless, and all that awaits you is the endless maw of a hungry mouth transferring nutrition into poopsplosions in striking repetition, do not yeet your baby.”

“Whatever you do, do not yeet your baby.”

***This has been a public service announcement, courtesy of Sherman, and the much more sobering followup conversation about what actually happens if you shake a baby.

I Was Innocent and Certain, Now I’m Wiser and Unsure

Hey kids, there’s a global pandemic on so why not come back and revive ye olden blog I once upon a time updated daily. Who was that person from four and a half years ago who last posted? I haven’t seen her in years.

I’m pretty sure if the old cross posting technology that used to post these to facebook is still working, almost everyone who I’m still facebook friends with (yes, there was a purge) probably already gets my Christmas letters, but hey. Why not do a four year recap.

We moved to Nashville in 2016 after a period of employment instability, I did a coding bootcamp in 2017 and became a Software Developer. Kyle quit the professional world and became a stay at home dad, and I became the bread winner. Our kids outgrew their FPIES (thank GOD). We became financially stable for the first time in our adult lives (I highly recommend it). We bought a town house. Now there’s a global pandemic and our kids are starting school virtually for the first time ever. Kyle has become a school facilitator/tyrant and makes the kids get their stuff done in the mornings before lunch. I’m working from home at the moment.

There have been no more children. We were thinking maybe in 2020, but then 2020 happened and we’re kind of glad we didn’t. Whew. That would have been a wild ride. I’m over wild rides though. I like them nice, and steady. All adventures need to be neatly planned, or at least have enough of a budget to handle poor planning and “winging it”.

By the way, does anybody out there have kind of a big age gap between their kids? Any advice? Should we do it? Sherman is 6 now and in first grade (excuse me while I die, my babies are KIDS NOW WHY DOES TIME DO THIS TO ME), so there’d be kind of a chunk of time between kiddos. Yes, I’m outsourcing parenting advice from my facebook friends and (theoretically) the internet at large. I have sunk so low. I even google parenting articles. Most of the time they tell me my kids are normal and it’s a phase but I need that reassurance, ok?

I’m also a certified instructor for a workout class. That happened in March just a squidge before the world shut down. Have taught exactly zero classes due to Miss Corona, but I still workout once or twice a week, between sessions sitting on the couch and late night walks to avoid the heat and humidity of the Tennessee summers.

To sum up, things are different. I’m in a different place physically, temporally, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Things are more stable here. I like it that way.